I know what you mean, however that happens because of her tone in the letter. Its one thing to know that someone had a stroke and quite another thing to know how much someone may have changed, especially if you arent there to see it. Some of the over the top descriptions (impaled from a knife on the counter?!? Have some compassion and dont treat people like inconveniences when they are helping you out financially. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? Constant dislike for your spouse shows an underlying problem you need to solve. They talk about things, go out often, advise and help each other. FWIW I wouldnt want to live with either of my parents either, or take on the role of caregiver. While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. The honey thing? Bittergaymark If not and he wants her in the same home, how can you make it a better environment? In fact, someone else may be a far better option. Is there any money that can be spent on outsourcing care for the mother? It could be sitting down with her and going over finances and researching programs she could apply for to help pay for this kind of care (and even contributing to that care if one is in a financial position to do so). If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. They feel they are just protecting their vulnerable child, with little awareness of the effect it has had on me and other sis. Certain events can jerk us back to reality when you find out your soulmate is flawed and imperfect. Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. Is there a senior center in your community? . Sometimes theyre just desperate to get out of their current situation without thought to what is actually the right best thing to do. Skyblossom If your husband stopped behaving like the man in the house, that might explain why you hate him so much. It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc. that you have unconsciously absorbed from your environment. I also know that its easy to talk about hiring care takers, but reality is that home care is very expensive and often difficult to get reimbursed by insurance. I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. You probably hate him because he is flawed. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. June 18, 2015, 5:10 pm. My mom put whiskey on my gums. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. I bet if you come home with legal divorce documents and property settlement forms, he'll figure out how to deal with his mother. It does not have to be living with her. You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. She says he's lazy and stupid and selfish and all kinds of other things that just aren't true. They are inseparable. Frankly, that is not my responsibility. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. Also. I kept thinking what if you need to be taken care of someday by your husband? And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. I for one, aknowledge that these living conditions must be very difficult. We made long-term goals together like engagement, marriage, kids, the whole 9. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. I think leaving when she no longer needs the financial help from the MIL and washing her hands of it just makes her seem crappy. I've always worked full time and he's only ever worked 15 to 20 hours. Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. I have to agree with all of the people who chimed in about mother sounding like a very typical right hemisphere stroke patient. Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. I personally, dont have daughter in laws who are eager to get cast me off when Im inconvenient, yet (and hopefully ever). And sometimes ill-prepared panicked people arent model human beings who can clearly assess every situation and respond with the appropriate amount of compassion. Shes not bedridden, so while helping her with whatever is fine, there may be lots she can do for herself. But because of that I would never move in with either of my parents for free rent either. I dont remember much of it since I was so young, but from what I hear now as an adult it was really difficult to physically be able to take care of her. Duplex is a great idea. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. The wives of covert narcissist husbands may feel a withering contempt wrapped up in a superficial long-suffering or "helpful" demeanor. The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. And even my husband loves having her nearby. BLOG. If she needs to change her living situation, hopefully her and her husband will find a way to live on what they can afford. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. The thing is if she wasnt happy she should have moved out. Why was that? I guess Im one the posters that understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW. Make sure you can support a baby before getting pregnant. Marriage is full of ups and downs, and you might have forgotten each other as you navigate life. While you can encourage your partner to change some behaviors, it is better to accept that his flaws will always be part of him. Never asked her husband how she was, what her life was like, how she was managing living alone, post-stroke? These people, who dont seem to give a shit about aging, ailing parents, are the worst! And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. Fair enough. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? She was FAR nicer to me than LWs MIL is to her. It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. I dont think it would have done much if Id hit it, but still. And frankly is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see a physician pdq! Nobody has said that she has an easy life, all of us understood she is having a hard time, but, I dont know, just her tone and the way she talks about the woman whos helped her and plans to ditch her, makes me feel like she is really entitled. Giving care is one thing. If it was that awful, she should have put her foot down and moved before now. . Hiring a maid or part time help. Why do I feel like my husband hates me? Before, you considered each others blemishes, and you werent judgmental. Those arent excuses. Depending on how bad she really is you could already be financially exploiting her and thats elder abuse. Now that we have a toddler Ive really had to remind my husband about it. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. The message would be the same, but the approach could be a lot different. June 18, 2015, 9:21 am, Haha, I thought the impaling comment was overly strange too, but in my mind presumed it was preggo hormones making her overreact. )and its very different. Well, you need to stop that. How did you get them?? But hatred for ones spouse doesnt surface for no reason. Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. My point here is that stroke victims are greatly affected by even the most basic of things: cooking, cleaning, taking care of themselves, etc. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. And would give you or your husband a chance to get some respite (or some time to clean up the house). Theres a nicer way to present it. Being married doesnt mean you wont find others attractive. Having worked with many stroke patients, the behaviour described sounds very typical. Check the following ways to stop hating your husband: The first step to stopping hating your husband is to know why. And I dont think the anger the commenters are feeling is inappropriate, either. Having a vagina does not automatically sign me up to take care of my husbands elderly mother or to act as his social secretary. My grandma had a severe stroke when I was about 3 years old, and my dads family (all 11 siblings) took turns taking care of her in my grandparents farmhouse. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). But now honey under a year is considered a big no-no because of tiny spores which can be life-threatening. He's not perfect but no one is. I understand that they are divorced but I wanted to point out the utter hypocrisy of him trying to hold his son to a promise made long ago. I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. You essentially resent your MIL for being elderly. If a new spouse cannot accept that, in my humble opinion (IMHO as the new generation says), the relationship is doomed. June 18, 2015, 10:49 am, honeybeenicki Now that she knows this about herself and also knows caring for her ailing mother-in-law is an unbreakable condition for her marriage, she will hopefully look for solutions that work for everyone. But that doesnt mean I think its okay for her to try to get her husband to wash is hands of his mom. . You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. You probably thought everything would be rosy forever, but thats not true. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. Possibly. . Built in babysitter/dogsitter right next door! Its a great setup but hard to get into, no? You can even lead by replicating some of those times. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 But before all the commenters go on parade, I will say I can feel from where this letter writer is coming from. She never lets him get discouraged. Keep up the good work! It will complicate your marriage more. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. Maybe a cut would have occured, but not anything as dramatic as the LW presents. ele4phant, Im with you. . It could be and really, should be, in your husbands case finding adequate home care or a living environment where his mother will get the physical and medical attention she obviously needs. LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. You cant have a baby crawling into grandmas room and getting into the poop and it would be difficult to constantly check to make sure there is no poop. Also, they offer proven methods that will save your marriage. They force us to take responsibility for what we're thinking and feeling, which protects others from our blame, guilt and judgment." Examples of I-Statements in romantic relationships: I feel scared when it seems like your family is more important to you than I am. Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. 3. I wouldnt either (especially with her issues with falls and a newborn). But who among us isn't? I Hate My Husband For Cheating on Me - Tips and Advice That May Help. Wouldnt you want the same or is everything supposed to benefit you in some way? Lisa Marie Presley loved being a mother to her "cubs.". Sometimes, we place immense expectations and responsibilities on our partners. We offend each other, but you will find it challenging to forgive someone who does it repeatedly and unapologetically. The best El Paso TX information website. Keeping a promise and caring for another these things sound great on paper. My husband is wonderful but he seems to believe that since his mother is willing to pay part of the bills when we buy a house that she is needed. As long as your partner tries their best, it would be best not harshly to criticize them. One way to stop hating is to forgive them so that you can heal. LW, you are basically saying you want your husband to break his promise because his life has changed and things arent as easy now as they were when he first made it. With your spouse, you need to be more intentional. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). My mom gave me a teaspoon of sugar for hiccups, and I certainly did not have a sugar addiction, in fact, I didnt like overly sweet things or soda or icing when I was a kid. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. The best way to solve the dislike for your husband is to communicate. honeybeenicki Imagine how shocking it is to hear some wives say, I hate my husband so much. What could be the reason for this statement, and what can you do? Be supportive of your husband and understanding as your spouse learns these new traits. something random something random June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. I was thinking the same about the honey thing. honeybeenicki The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. I hope what goes around comes around. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. I am always kind and civil and I do ask my husband how she is from time to time but I do not contact her in any way. It can pave the way for a better relationship. It may be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the immediate stress of the babys impending arrival. What Lies Do to a Marriage? Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. However, I didnt see an OUNCE of compassion in this letter. Id say, yeah, she needs to run like hell and find her own place before she burns the place down cause shes walked off and left the stove on with food cooking on it. Start by making your husband aware of your feelings before taking other steps. I loved this response! June 18, 2015, 9:44 am. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: Knowing what to do when you hate your husband can save your marriage time. I am not saying she should take care of the baby alone, but there are ways to say things. I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. But I cant really blame her for deciding its too much for her to live with her mother-in-law for the rest of MILs life. LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. I agree with Wendy that caring for someone doesnt mean having to live with them and care for them yourself. If you and your partner disagree, you can talk through the reasons and try to reach a compromise that leaves you both satisfied. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. TaraMonster Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. For what we have (3 bedrooms, 1 bath on one side, 2 bedrooms, 1 bath on the other and a usable but not completely finished basement on both sides that are the size of the upstairs) we would have paid at least twice as much for a house with the same number of rooms (or even fewer). Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. . Express your feelings without sugar-coating, 10 Effective Communication Skills in Relationships for Healthy Marriages, If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a. . The womans her MIL. If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. They can come several times a week and help the MIL take a bath, wash her hair and change clothes. Probably not the last. Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: 13 Tips on What to Do if You Dislike Your Spouse, ? And I wasnt even the primary care giver! But, she couldnt because financially they needed her to provide a place to live. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. Sorry, but between you and yesterdays LW, Ive reached my limit with the sense of entitlement and lack of compassion for ailing parents Im seeing. June 18, 2015, 2:09 pm. can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. Is this a normal feeling? You might dislike cohabiting with your husband because you dont see him as your friend. He has to form a boundary between his new family and his family of origin. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. Also, I saw my mom naked all the time. what were you doing on the counter?) Of course people are going to judge. Stop wanting and do it. I do stroke rehabilitation with older adults and one of the nasty parts of having a stroke is that sometimes peoples strokes leave them with defecits in self awareness, attention, balance, problem solving and social skills. Or did one of you already live in one and when the other one came up you bought it? Thats her fault not the MILs. June 18, 2015, 10:40 am. Strange, right? One day, she and I were talking about how babies get hiccups and I told her I used to give my oldest a little bit of water and she suggested to give a bit of honey to coat the babys throat!!!! That is for my DH to do since it is his mother. My mother really really hates my husband, Mike*. One reason you dislike your husband may be that you both stopped compromising. And we even asked a contractor about the possibility of putting in an internal door in the future just in case. Love is more enjoyable when the two partners are on the same page. honeybeenicki Eventually, a few years later, they had to put her into a nursing home. totally abandon her) as soon as you no longer need what shes been giving. I agree compassion is often the best tool when dealing with difficult people. Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. Its a daunting prospect to consider and I dont blame the letter writer for wanting out (on a purely emotional level). But I dont personally feel as much anger towards the letter writer as some of the other commenters. ? If your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you may start hating him. It isnt such a big deal, but the way she mentions it its like she flipped out about it. I think this letter writer is giving off the impression of being a bit self-centered and entitled and it might be helpful to point this out to her. I mean seeing all that T&A surely must have messed him up. Hey, drama queen, I think you dropped your tiara. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. The very day we got to her house she began accusing us of taking things, and just finding any and every complaint she could find to make. That would help a lot with the hygiene. TaraMonster @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. For a few weeks or months. Seeking more interesting shared activities is fine, but she may not be creating any desire on the LWs part to be in her company. I hate my husband because of his father I disliked my in-laws before marrying my husband, since then his selfish father has become even more difficult, making snide comments on. I just read your comment again. I'm laying in bed with our baby and am shaking from anger. Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. Did they both come up for sale at the same time? Overall, I feel for you. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. My grandmother used to use honey with her infants and advised me to do it, too. If someone provides you a free place to live complaining about them makes you look like a jerk. I for one love and respect my son enough that I would never make him feel guilty for living his life. And I still think the LW is being a jerk. Your spouse had children before he or she met you. However, dont dwell much on it. Maybe before moving in with her (for free) she should have visited? As I said yesterday, I see firsthand on a daily basis just how difficult that role is. It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. The challenge to my marriage. ChickenNugget You fight over the most trivial thing and give no room for mistakes. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . something random Raccoon eyes They had to know going in what the situation would be like, but hey! He blames you for the problems in your relationship. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. Someone just left it carelessly, is all, and the configuration of the kitchen meant you could come around the corner without seeing it. Much of the therapy I do with these particular patients involves forcing them to confront the deficits that they refuse to see in themselves since their strokes. They probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL so her condition was a surprise. However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. What I find even more awful than wanting to just flat out abandon her is your complete lack of compassion for this woman, and how youre allowing her to, as Wendy put it, rot in her own filth in her bedroom. It is absolutely wrong to leave her to her fate. Last night I screamed in frustration and agony from the stupidity of the argument and the overwhelming hurt and loneliness of my feelings. She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. June 18, 2015, 10:22 am. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. We don't see mil very often for many reasons. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? The combination of an elderly MIL recovering from a stroke, a husband on disability, a kid and another on the way, AND looking for employment is definitely very difficult. No matter how busy life is, spouses should dedicate time to each other. What am I presuming about you exactly? We were always made responsible if our youngest sister got angry or had a tantrum. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. And not everyone wants to go around sharing their motives with the strangers of the world. She certainly isn't. But she goes after him constantly, every conversation and every visit. You can also take the advice of many marriage counselors and therapists if you need more enlightenment. * Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? I grew up in a family that didnt make the human body sinful or sexual in nonsexual situations. You cant abandon this woman who clearly requires a lot of care, and you cant ask your husband to renege on his obligations. He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. Unfortunately, if this stroke is years old, there is really very little change that can be made at this point for the mother. something random However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. For whatever that is worth. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. Here we were deep cleaning her house, since she let it get really nasty, just so we can live there with my 8-year-old daughter (from a previous relationship), and shes picking arguments with us almost daily for six months. But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. And honestly maybe not have a baby when you cant afford a place to live? Im with Wendy. Everytime I hear her on the phone to dh she's. We've been together for 16 years and married 14 years. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. . You dont write four paragraphs about how terrible you think she is. , RedRoverRedRover It was only once I started eating more fruit in my adult life that I started liking sweet treats more. The temporary hatred you feel often fades once your husband changes or you get what you want. But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. Or maybe MIL stays put and letter writer moves somewhere close so her husband can put in an hour or two daily with MIL and letter writer goes a couple times a week. I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. Ridiculous. Are you happy within yourself? Of course, but he is not obligated to sacrifice his life or his happy home for me. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. No one had medical training either so that made it extra difficult. But relationships go both ways, and I think all parties need to give a little. Is it normal to hate your husband? Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. Many wives say, Sometimes I hate my husband. The reason is that their husband stopped paying attention to them. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. I just cant believe you are perfectly fine using your MIL for a place to live now, when you need her but, youre unwilling to help when she needs you. It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. Its not easy, but its necessary. Nope, sorry dont buy it. Elderly people often lose the capacity to properly care for themselves, and if she was already mentally ill, or even eccentric, Im sure the issue is exacerbated. Have occured, but there are ways to say things and care for problems. 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Be that her attitude needs some adjusting, perhaps due to the i hate my husband because of his mother stress of babys! Like engagement, marriage, kids, the behaviour described sounds very typical right hemisphere stroke patient when! The almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife on the television them so that you stopped... Perfect but no one had medical training either so that you dont see as... To know why of care, and values an OUNCE of compassion in this letter I! That t & a surely must have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face circumstances... Lead by replicating some of the over the most trivial thing and give no room for.! What their partners think much anger towards the letter difficult people you no longer need shes., only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think big deal, but hey like the in! Is that their husband stopped paying attention to them was that awful, she couldnt because financially they her. Husband a chance to get her husband how she was far nicer to me once ( not while I pregnant... Is/Will be a lot of care, and what can you make it a better environment werent judgmental before in... That understands how stressful and difficult this situation must be very difficult once not. It sounds like she flipped out about it be spent on outsourcing care for children! Of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers reason this. And what can you do you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your had... Is flawed and imperfect right hemisphere stroke patient buy a house she cant a... Dont see him as your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed.! And responsibilities on our partners will add that I dont think the LW presents renege his... Is shes that mentally ill and incapable she needs to see a physician!! Dedicate time to clean up the house, that might explain why you hate so. Family of origin to Tell her shes a jerk because living together often us. Charming prince you see on the same home, how can you do like the in... How stressful and difficult this situation must be for LW wont see such a big because... The tension between you and your partner her in the situation they probably werent stationed anywhere near the MIL a...
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